My Life, My Journey...

It's been awhile, but 15 years is still too long a time to pass by without speaking, hearing, seeing your family.

I haven't seen my dad in 7 years, since my sister got married. It's really interesting, he upped and left a couple of years before (10-15 years to be exact), with my half sisters and stepmum back to Ireland (stepmum is Irish). Came back for my sister's wedding, took offence that Stepmum dearest didn't get an invite for the wedding and never contacted us again.

I am the daugther that never existed. I am the daughter that mattered the least. All this years of growing up without having a father, I've gone through a hell of a lot. My emotions towards him has ranged from hate, anger to just dissapointment for now.

And then, when I finally get my gear up and have settled with my life, to appreciate what I have, rather than what I do not have. To appreciate, that I have the greatest mum in the world (sometimes I want to hate her too but that's just adolescent thinking), a great sister and equally great brother in-law, A loving boyfriend and life partner, loving grandparents (mum's side) and a wonderful bunch of friends. I'm not starving, I'm employed, I'm educated (thanks mum) and I'm not missing much in life.

Yet. It just bugs me. And out of the blue, my half sister finds me on Friendster. Adds me, and leaves a comment "So this is your life, then?"

That just really bugs me. What is that suppose to mean? I logged on and visited my stepsister's and half-sister's page and find pics of my dad with them, all playing happy families, with the caption "my daddy". Dad looks really old, haggard, and ill. The skin is hanging off his face and neck. Is it karma?

Boyfriend dear has noticed how down I've been, and has been constantly telling me how great I am, how much I've succeeded in life, that my life has been and is still wonderful and fulfilled despite never having a real "father". I thank him for that.

However I have to say this. To my father, the man I use to call proudly "My Daddy" and which I now call "that man, my father, the sperm donor". Thank you for leaving when I was a baby. Thank you for neglecting me all my life. Thank you for never treating us right. Thank you for leaving the country and this sad despicable "family" you try to forget. Thank you for ignoring that you do indeed have two other daughters. Thank you for giving me a tough time. Thank you for not helping and contributing to my education. Thank you for the low self-esteem I have. Thank you for giving me suicidal and depressive tendencies and thoughts whilst I was growing up. Thank you for making me crave something which I will never have and will forever continue to crave "a loving, understanding father who cares and will always be around for me".
Thank you for everything.