Up, Up and Away

The view from me morning walks to work, and sometime morning breaks...Fitzroy Gardens

So the D.N.A. contributor has up and gone again... typical... I should be more than used to it by now...

We were getting along fine, I think... It had come to the point where I was willing to listen to him babble... come CNY, and I wish him happy CNY... he just stops writing!

*sigh*... I give up now... it's too late to mend anything... leave it be, and don't talk to me anymore...don't email, don't contact, just leave me alone.

It's too much to just lead people on, and then abandon them, and I've been abandon by you far too many times...

Stay where you are playing happy families... we don't need you anymore, never have and probably never will...

Regards,

Your lost daughter...

Father of Mine

Ahhh... Daddy gave me a name, My Daddy gave me a name (Then he walked away...) Daddy gave me a name... (And he walked away)

The words of Everclear echo in my head and bring forth so much truth. Imagine that, there are so many fathers out there who have abandoned their children, and we all do really grow up messed up and weird....

I don't know. Recently after many years of non communication you told me that I was always on your mind, and that you were sorry.

And then... after a few weeks of communicating, and not liking what I (your beloved daughter) had to say about you and everything, all communications stop and you went AWOL again.

How typical.

I even tried giving excuses to you and why you have not written. Sadly though, I believe I have lost all twinkling of hope.

This time I haven't shed a tear. This time although I feel a tad disappointed, I must admit that I never gave you the benefit of the doubt. And how right I was.

My heart lies unbroken (How can you break a heart that had already been broken by you so many times before?)

Trampled all over with your lies and your so-called "love". Deceived by your promises of "we shall talk, and I need to explain".

Where are you now?

Lessons learned from long ago. DO not trust anyone, especially you.

After nearly 26 years, you would think I would learn.

Damaged beyond repair I once was. Learned to love and trust again I did. But never again will I open my heart up to you. Never.

Twice betrayed. I am a fool indeed.

"Father of Mine,
Tell me where have you been?
I just close my eyes
And the world disappeared
Father of Mine,
Tell me how do you sleep,
With the children you abandon?
...

I'll never be the same,
I'll always be weird"

(Everclear, Father of Mine)

One Sweet Day

8 years... you choose to speak to me now... after 8 years

Your excuse, you didn't want to get hurt, you had to go away. Well frankly Mr. Wolf, I still don't understand.

You say you had to sacrifice my happiness, your happiness to find yourself? What about me? I seem to have lost myself and found it through other means. When other people are speaking proudly of their fathers, I stand silent... I know nothing. How can I be proud of you?

Silence for 8 years.... so many things have passed by, so many things that I wanted to say and have said in my mind and dreams, so many memories have been buried, so many feelings and emotions been left to dry in the dust. Suddenly they spring unbidden to the surface.

Would I, Could I learn to forgive? Indeed, understanding is all we long for, all we hope for.

Maybe I wasn't the horrible daughter left behind to grieve for a lost cause... maybe there is hope. But it won't be the same ever again...

There's always a rainbow after the rain.

Let's start at the very beginning.

Hello. Nice to meet you. I am your daughter...

My Life, My Journey...

It's been awhile, but 15 years is still too long a time to pass by without speaking, hearing, seeing your family.

I haven't seen my dad in 7 years, since my sister got married. It's really interesting, he upped and left a couple of years before (10-15 years to be exact), with my half sisters and stepmum back to Ireland (stepmum is Irish). Came back for my sister's wedding, took offence that Stepmum dearest didn't get an invite for the wedding and never contacted us again.

I am the daugther that never existed. I am the daughter that mattered the least. All this years of growing up without having a father, I've gone through a hell of a lot. My emotions towards him has ranged from hate, anger to just dissapointment for now.

And then, when I finally get my gear up and have settled with my life, to appreciate what I have, rather than what I do not have. To appreciate, that I have the greatest mum in the world (sometimes I want to hate her too but that's just adolescent thinking), a great sister and equally great brother in-law, A loving boyfriend and life partner, loving grandparents (mum's side) and a wonderful bunch of friends. I'm not starving, I'm employed, I'm educated (thanks mum) and I'm not missing much in life.

Yet. It just bugs me. And out of the blue, my half sister finds me on Friendster. Adds me, and leaves a comment "So this is your life, then?"

That just really bugs me. What is that suppose to mean? I logged on and visited my stepsister's and half-sister's page and find pics of my dad with them, all playing happy families, with the caption "my daddy". Dad looks really old, haggard, and ill. The skin is hanging off his face and neck. Is it karma?

Boyfriend dear has noticed how down I've been, and has been constantly telling me how great I am, how much I've succeeded in life, that my life has been and is still wonderful and fulfilled despite never having a real "father". I thank him for that.

However I have to say this. To my father, the man I use to call proudly "My Daddy" and which I now call "that man, my father, the sperm donor". Thank you for leaving when I was a baby. Thank you for neglecting me all my life. Thank you for never treating us right. Thank you for leaving the country and this sad despicable "family" you try to forget. Thank you for ignoring that you do indeed have two other daughters. Thank you for giving me a tough time. Thank you for not helping and contributing to my education. Thank you for the low self-esteem I have. Thank you for giving me suicidal and depressive tendencies and thoughts whilst I was growing up. Thank you for making me crave something which I will never have and will forever continue to crave "a loving, understanding father who cares and will always be around for me".
Thank you for everything.