My Life, My Journey...

It's been awhile, but 15 years is still too long a time to pass by without speaking, hearing, seeing your family.

I haven't seen my dad in 7 years, since my sister got married. It's really interesting, he upped and left a couple of years before (10-15 years to be exact), with my half sisters and stepmum back to Ireland (stepmum is Irish). Came back for my sister's wedding, took offence that Stepmum dearest didn't get an invite for the wedding and never contacted us again.

I am the daugther that never existed. I am the daughter that mattered the least. All this years of growing up without having a father, I've gone through a hell of a lot. My emotions towards him has ranged from hate, anger to just dissapointment for now.

And then, when I finally get my gear up and have settled with my life, to appreciate what I have, rather than what I do not have. To appreciate, that I have the greatest mum in the world (sometimes I want to hate her too but that's just adolescent thinking), a great sister and equally great brother in-law, A loving boyfriend and life partner, loving grandparents (mum's side) and a wonderful bunch of friends. I'm not starving, I'm employed, I'm educated (thanks mum) and I'm not missing much in life.

Yet. It just bugs me. And out of the blue, my half sister finds me on Friendster. Adds me, and leaves a comment "So this is your life, then?"

That just really bugs me. What is that suppose to mean? I logged on and visited my stepsister's and half-sister's page and find pics of my dad with them, all playing happy families, with the caption "my daddy". Dad looks really old, haggard, and ill. The skin is hanging off his face and neck. Is it karma?

Boyfriend dear has noticed how down I've been, and has been constantly telling me how great I am, how much I've succeeded in life, that my life has been and is still wonderful and fulfilled despite never having a real "father". I thank him for that.

However I have to say this. To my father, the man I use to call proudly "My Daddy" and which I now call "that man, my father, the sperm donor". Thank you for leaving when I was a baby. Thank you for neglecting me all my life. Thank you for never treating us right. Thank you for leaving the country and this sad despicable "family" you try to forget. Thank you for ignoring that you do indeed have two other daughters. Thank you for giving me a tough time. Thank you for not helping and contributing to my education. Thank you for the low self-esteem I have. Thank you for giving me suicidal and depressive tendencies and thoughts whilst I was growing up. Thank you for making me crave something which I will never have and will forever continue to crave "a loving, understanding father who cares and will always be around for me".
Thank you for everything.

Time Passes...

It's been awhile since I started this blog to try to record the random thougts and actions that occur in my daily life.

So far it's been 5 posts to date, an average of 2 per month. That makes me an overall lousy blogger.

It's so much more fun to read blogs than to actually type it out. Maybe because there's nothing much happening in my life right now.

So... if anyone does happen to wander through to this lonely blog. I apologise. But here's a link to lighten up your life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k66epna2Sss

Regrets...

I always say I don't have any regrets and that I seize the moment and live life to it's fullest. Somehow that seems like a lie, and reflecting on all the things taht have occured in the past and present, I find that I do indeed have regrets...

Some regrets were based on actions carried out selfishly whilst "living for my moment", so it comes full circle... karma is a tricky business. I did something which I'm still suffering the guilt for and I can't let anyone know because it was solely my decision and my actions that made it happen and now I suffer in silence. Maybe it's a punishment to myself, maybe I'm just sadistic that way.

Some regrets were out of my control, in hindsight I obviously would have acted differently and maybe would have said something or done something more. My major regret is not gettting to know my father enough and not having the guts to tell him, " I am your freaking daughter! Treat me like one!" But shit happens and he's having fun playing happy families with "his" family in another distant country

Other regrets were based purely on my adolescent years and things that I did which whilst fun back then, have haunted me frequently...
Things like setting up to meet guys with my best friend in a shopping mall and standing far away and checking them out and finding out that we didn't want to meet them anyways and ditching them and laughing at them at a distance for a long time.
Things like taking my friends for granted and using them to the fullest whilst not understanding their situation whilst they understood mine perfectly.
Things like taking my mother and sister for granted and did whatever I wanted through college because I felt rebellious and that nobody in my family understood me and that my friends did.

I constantly vow that I will be a better person, and that I wouldn't take things for granted and that things happen for a reason and through my actions, consequences occur whether I like it or not. Religion has suddenly hit me full in the face and my belief in God has increased, somehow, I still act stupidly and not find the time to pray as much as I want or do more charitable things that I wish I had the time and money for...

Some say that by acknowledging these misdeeds and vowing to do better is already a step forward, but every step I take forward seems to me to be two steps back *sigh*

Regrets... I have none... I have so many...

2 moons have gone by...

Wow... believe it or not, it's been nearly 2 months since I started working and time sure passes by real quick. Already I'm having more and more responsibilties.

But, it still remains that I work for a crazy director. Ok she is pregnant with her first ever child at 40, but seriously, her hormones are running way overtime with her constant screaming and praising. She's like a super crazy woman, switching from being the best boss around to the biggest bitch in the world.

*sigh*

Anyways, we just upgraded our internet broadband we're now on ADSL 2+ (which i have no idea what it means except that it's super duper fast). Since I live with two geeks/nerds and they seem pretty happy and excited it must be a good thing.

And it's back to morbid work tmrw... Thursday blues for me....

First day of Work

I woke up feeling that today is going to be a wonderful day. So I shall make it so. Positive thinking leads to positive acts which in turn, leads to a positive day (I hope so).

Anyways... good news is I didnt get fired. Well, did really well at work yesterday or so I thought and shall keep thinking =)

Not too sure what I'm supoose to blog about today.

I actually wrote a poem the other day about my first day at work. But somehow it got lost when I was setting up this blog. Drats. Let's see if I can get the inner poet in me and try it again. Here goes:

Dragging leaden footsteps,
In a cold dark morning,
To a new place I dread,
Will I be happy there or will I be sad,
I hope I make it 'til the evening.

Arrived early as I should,
Director came out and told me to wait,
Nervous and a little scared,
Do I sit quietly or pretend to look busy?

Work starts, get told what to do,
The introduction begins,
Everyone says, "How do you do?"
I can see this will be a great place to be.

Time flies quickly,
Amidst being busy,
Maybe it won't be so bad after all,
If it gets tough,
I'll pick myself up after the fall.

Okay. That's as much as I can dish out at 10.30am and it's so different from the original which I wrote *sigh*

Monday Morning Blues

*sigh*
It's kinda sad that you would start the day with a sigh, and a hearty Sigh it is. Oh well, I'm about to go off to work today. The third week of my first ever job. Hope I survive it. But "the secret" recommends me to think positive. So positive thinking here I come.

I doubt I can really mess up today, it's routine Monday work, which means I'll have to sort out paperwork and call up people. But knowing me, in all my nervousness and being such a dolt, it's highly possible for me to screw up again.

I've been having such extreme nightmares for the past three days (there goes my quiet resting weekend) *SiGGggGGghHHhhhhhhh*

Yesterday was a good day 'tho. I complained that we never do anything. So I was taken to the city, where we went to Church (Palm Sunday), and then we went over to the National Galleries of Victoria for the viewing of "Sneakers", and managed to squeeze in some sighthings of Asian domestic wares (*yawn*) and really cool Egyptian and nearby areas antiquities. Nice day. Very cultural. Haha.

What's the worst that could happen today? Maybe get told off again. Or maybe get fired. What a great story. I lasted three weeks in my first job, screwed up so badly and got fired.

Think positive. Think positive. Must think positive.

Second week of Work...

I messed up on my second week of work. It was horrible... I went to work yesterday and everything was good.. until I messed up. There was no one else at the office except for me and the two directors. I can't believe it. My director did tell me in a very nice way about my BIG BIG mess, but I could see her dissapointment and doubt in me about future situations. She called me a softie!

I can't believe it. Maybe I'm not that all cut out to be working in the Human Resources industry.

*sigh*