Hot Fudge

The sweet aroma of local grounded Malaysian coffee assails the senses... Screaming into my scent cells... "WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!"

Sometimes, you wake up feeling all positive and that everything you do will make sense or at least make sense at some point, to someone, at some place. And that someone at some time at some place will say, "Hey, you're doing a fine job at what you are doing. Keep it up. I wouldn't be alive without you doing whatever it is you do!"

But I digress...

Other times, you wake up feeling all crummy and tired (even after 9 hours in bed). You feel that there's not much point in waking up, as you're gonna go through the same shit day in day out anyway. The world might end. At least end where I'm comfortable. In bed. Head under the pillow.

But, today is different. Today, I woke up from a nightmare... and felt that the real world could not get any worse than the dream. So I jump out of bed, feeling all positive... pulled up the blinds.. and 'lo and behold.. it's dark and gloomy... and the feeling all but dissipated...

So as I sit here and type, with the smell of my Kopi-O assailing me... Robbie Williams crooning depressingly at me... I am trying to find myself. But how do you do that, when you're right in front of the computer?

Sometimes, I wish I was 5 again.. actually... not 5.. I had a depressing childhood where no one wanted me...

So I wish I was 10? I don't think I've been at an age where I've truly been happy... so maybe.. let's see... nope... nothing..

I need to find a happier life... a life where there's no pain, no worries and love all round. I could take some drugs and live in that for a few moments. I could die and think I'll be in peace. But most religions tell us that's definitely the wrong way to go about looking for peace.

So where then is this "peace" and "happiness"? Why is it so elusive? How do we, children of broken homes look to?

It's not to say that I've never been happy. Because that would not be right. Of course I've been happy. But I'm trying to look for that perfect happy moment...

I know.. I was 1 years old. It was my birthday party... I had a family. Parents. Mother, Father, Sister. Love. Grandparents. Everyone was there. Everything is the way it should be. Snapshot the moment.

Don't move forward in time. Let the picture never fade, never turn yellow. Never show the sadness that will hit the smiling faces in the picture. Let them never know pain. Let them never know the meaning of heartache and betrayal. Let them never know what it means to be abandoned.

Please God, let them always feel this happy. Always this in love. Always and forever smiling.

Fast forward 25 years... I am sitting here at my table.. trying to find that feeling of happiness and contentment again. What happened?