Monday, 18 May 2009
Bad day, by Fuel, not Daniel Powter.
I had a bad night. A night fuelled with self pitying and abject misery. My only voice of reason (when did it get that way) gone and I allowed myself to listen to the vicious thoughts and memories in my head.
I thought I'd feel better. Heck everyone always says you should feel better after a good cry. But all I got out of it was more misery, because I didn't get a hug and I felt like a stupid girl crying.
Being alone, makes you think. Too much. I thought of how I hate when people (friends and family are both guilty of this) ask me, "So, have you found a job?"
And I answer no, to which they reply, "OH... you weren't really properly looking anyway right?" or "Why don't you revamp your resume?"
I wonder... being someone in the HR industry and recruitment, that the first thing I did was to revamp my bloody CV. And yes, of course I'm properly looking! I apply for at least 2-3 jobs a day...
So tired... so tired of feeling useless.. so tired of answering these questions...
And then.. in the background, I can hear my mum screaming at me again.
I am 14 again. In tears as I bring home the latest report card.
"Why are you so stupid? Why are you so lazy? All my friends children score straight A's and are always the top of their class. Why am I stuck with you? Why must you embarrass me so much? You are so useless!"
I sit there, tears streaming down my face, not saying anything. Maybe she's right. I was born stupid. My mother (who's a retired teacher) has high hopes for me. She wants me to be a doctor. And I'm to stupid.
"Why are you sitting there crying? Answer me why you did so badly? Why did you get a B? (Or maybe C or D's, depending on the subject). Why can't you be like your sister? She never gave me these problems!"
So, the following year, I study hard. In the high school mid level exams, I score straight A's and are one of the top 50 students in school to do so.
I run excitedly to the car, my mother's face looks like she's trying to arrange it suitably to tell me what she'll do to me if the results were bad. There is no need when she sees my excited face.
She asks, "So?"
I tell her. And she exclaims, "I knew it. I knew that if I prayed hard enough to God, you'd be able to pass. I knew it. Thank God!"
And that was it. No, well done. You're actually clever.. and you studied hard. It was all God.
Shattered, as I still am today. I still hear her screaming at me.
I still hear her telling me, "Maybe I should leave you with your father if you don't behave. Maybe I'll stop loving you. Maybe I'll abandon you like your father did. You better behave."
"If you don't behave, and study hard and be successful, you'll end up working in McDonald's' with no future!"
My mother would always threaten me. As much as I love her, I suffered all this mental and verbal abuse.
And now... being unemployed, through no fault of my own, I can't help but question that maybe she's right. Maybe I was too stupid. Maybe the disappointment that I hear in her voice is the truth.
I want my Boy back. Wallowing in self-pity is not the best way to spend time alone.
There will be happier days. For today and last night at least. My tear streaked face is what the world will see.
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